Roundabout to heaven must be easier than Apponaug
To the Editor:
It used to be an easy, pleasant ride on a Sunday morning from Coventryto Sts. Rose and Clement Church in Warwick. Not anymore.
We now have to deal with the challenge of the mind-boggling rotary in Apponaug. That peaceful little town was gutted, mutilated, mangled, tortured and tormented for months only to be turned into a merry-go-round of dubious exits and ramps. It has been the cause of many accidents and rear enders. I know of one poor soul who took the wrong exit, became confused and was missing for over 12 hours until the State Police found him in Burrillville. After two unsuccessful attempts to get to the church by trying several exits, we finally had to admit defeat to the monster.
So I think it is only fitting that the engineer(s) who designed this monstrosity should get a little taste of their own medicine. When they pass on and are looking for the pearly gates to get to heaven, they are going to have to find their way on a rotary exactly like the one they designed in Apponaug. When they start out they are going to realize there are many exit ramps so close together snap decisions have to be made –
no time to ponder –can't hesitate because there is a car in back of you.
When the engineer gets on the rotary to find his way to heaven, he thinks:
“Well, this doesn't look too difficult. The very first exit says The Pearly Gates. Great. I'll take this one and be on my way. Oh, no now there is are two smaller exits that say Pearly Gates East and Pearly Gates West. Which one do I want? I'll try east. Have to make a snap decision. I guess this isn't the right one because there is a sign ahead that says Road to Nowhere. I'll have to find a place to turn around and get back on the rotary. I should have taken Pearly Gates West. Back on track and now it's the West ramp. This looks as if it is definitely going to the Pearly Gates. Oh wait, what does that sign say up ahead? Road to Judgment? No one said anything about being judged. This is a one-way so I can't turn around. I'll have to keep going until I find a place to do that. Gee, I had to travel over a mile until I could get back on the rotary. I guess I should try another exit. This one says Heaven. Ah, this must be the right one. I should have known better. On the right exit now, but wait a minute – here come two more – one says Heaven North and the other Heaven South. Oh no, another snap decision – which one? Quickly – I'll try south this time. What a long road. I guess it is if you want to get to heaven. There's a sign ahead – it says Dead End. How am I ever going to get back to that rotary? Thank God I finally found a cut-off to turn around and now I'm back on the rotary. This time I'm taking Heaven North. This is kind of a curvy road with no signs of life – there's a street sign ahead that says Purgatory Rd. I don't want to go to Purgatory. Let me get out of here fast. I can turn here and get back on the rotary. This maze of exits so close together is really getting to me, but I have to keep trying if I want to get to those Pearly Gates. There's two exits I haven't tried .One has to be the right one. This one coming up says Paradise. This could be it. Now there is a fork further on in the exit. One says Eden and the other says Paradise. I want Paradise – quick decision. There is a sign that says Progressing so that is encouraging. Something is in large letters up ahead. I can't believe it! It says Paradise Closed for the Season. I didn't know they had seasons in Paradise. Back to that friggin’ rotary and try Eden. Now I'm on Eden and it looks pretty good. There are some beautiful apple trees along the way, and I feel good about this. Up ahead there is a little bridge and there is a sign on it that says If You Cross this Bridge you will be entering Temptation and there is NO GOING BACK. Oh my God, what do I do now? I'll have to back up all the way because there is no place to turn around. There's only one more exit left to take and that better be the right one or I'm really dead. This exit has no name just a number. The number is 666. It's the only chance I have left so I might as well take it. There's a sign ahead that says Sharp Curve and Steep Hill. Boy, this hill is really steep. I'd better be cautious. I 'm driving carefully, but what does that sign say? Oh my God, it says Entering Hell- Stay to the Right. I have to get out of here in a hurry. Who wants to go to hell? I've got to get back on that rotary. I don't know what exit I can take now. I've tried them all. If I ever want to get to heaven I can't give up. I'm so weak and dizzy! I feel as though I'm doomed forever. Maybe I'll try Pearly Gates again. Who the hell ever designed this damned rotary?